Wednesday, 6 September 2017

tangerines & tomorrows

It's exactly ten days before I leave for uni. How exciting! Not. I haven't packed yet, and yesterday a book I need for my degree, the Norton's Anthology of Theory and Criticism, arrived - bought for £35 on Amazon (shout out to HSBC doing bits with the free £60 gift voucher) and filled with 2700 pages of terrifying and minuscule fine print. Brilliant.

Nah really, although daunting, I am ready to embrace the fresh start! After a summer of late nights and early mornings, I'm (kinda) looking forward to settling down and...studying??? This summer has been so weird. I've met loads of new people, been out a lot, and done so much yet so little!

It began with a trip to Budapest with my cousin and my sister a couple days after exams finished. It was the first time I'd been on holiday without parents or other adults and thus freedom in its purest form. On our first evening/night we went out to one of Budapest's famous "Ruin Bars" called Instant, and I literally had the best night of my life. The DJ was awesome, we met some cool dudes, one of whom bought us drinks (but then wouldn't leave us alone but lmao that's another story), and just being in a different environment was so exciting! We didn't get to see much of it as we were only there for a short time, but I would recommend going to Budapest, especially for the Ruin Bar night life! 

I didn't go anywhere outside of London after this. The rest of the holiday was spent partying, chilling, and coming home in the mornings a little too much for my liking to be honest. July was sunshine and consecutive days out. August was messy and tiring but fun - (and will also be known for my worst drunk experience ever.) Results were good as well!!!

Aside from leaving the house, this summer has been successful in terms of writing. I've enjoyed finding my voice through poetry and, although I haven't read nearly as much as I anticipated, the words I have consumed have been inspiring and beautiful. Speaking of, here's a poem I wrote sometime last month, which I actually prefer read as spoken word.

"no tangerines 4 you (i'm not sad)" (written by me)

I thought you liked tangerines;
They were my offering to you.
Small, zesty orange circles of delight,
They were picked especially for your tasting. 
But it turns out they were unripe for your intensity, and me, embarrassed by my own fertility, I, who had borne this fruit from the plush soil of my soul, (a dense depth of darkness where the light would still let it grow) I, who had not shown the potency of this creation, me, who presented this fruit in its false simplicity, and I, not caring about the implications of this miscommunication, because me, I thought they were your favourite!
I cried for what was lost,
I cried for what was gained.
(the motives of these cries displace each other you see.) 
I sighed a sigh so heavy the anchor in my stomach fell too far down, 
But this allowed space for all of the tangerines I just swallowed in order to spare your feelings. 
My way of offering was obviously flawed.
Perhaps we could share a couple of segments,
That way the message is even, we both taste its sweetness.
Now understand that this does not upset me, and I will not weep for this loss,
Instead I will continue growing and harvesting the fruits of my heart and soul,
Ready for the summer time,
Ready for a new hand to take,
A new mouth to taste,
And thus more time to waste. 

I still have a long way before I write "the perfect piece of writing", but I've found the key is just to continue! Sometimes I look back on writing I've put on this blog and actually cringe. 

*    *   *

Anyways, like an angel in the summer time, new music has also made its way to me. A significant artist would be Charlotte Dos Santos, and her EP released this year called "Cleo." She is so gorgeous and so is her voice! It kind of reminds me of Amy Winehouse, in particular songs. My favourite songs off the EP are definitely Good SignMove OnCleoRed Clay It's Over, Bobby. Give her a listen on Spotify! If you're into chill, classic soul vibes you won't be disappointed. Maybe you'll find a new sound to indulge in!

I also really like this artist known as IAMDDB! I love her voice so much. (if i could rap i would want to sound like her tbh.) The three songs I have been feeling at the moment are Leaned Out, Pause and Shade! Listen to them and watch the videos!

I deleted Instagram a week or two ago, for many reasons. First of all, I was kind of bored of it. I started to realise that all I did was stalk people, compare myself to others, try to take selfies, fail, feel ill. Lol. I didn't use it for a particular, artistic purpose either. The day after, I went to bed feeling so regretful, and I couldn't stop thinking about what I was missing out on, who I wouldn't be able to speak to now we weren't "connected." Then I remembered that I am a physical, tangible entity. Not a digital being. If someone wants to find me, they will, because there's nothing realer than the physical form. I don't go on my phone as much as I used to and it feels good to be less wired and hunched over. Consumed by the digital. It reminds me of this quote by Princess Nokia: 

It's not for everyone. But I do recommend taking breaks from time to time. Go be free in the world!!!
On that note, I hope everyone has had a magnificent summer! I hope A-Level results were great for all of us out there too. Enjoy the rest of the break, start getting ready for whatever is to come, whether it is work, university or a beautiful gap year. Look at my musing for the month! 

~peace out~ and see you in the next post!!! Zoe xo