Saturday, 29 April 2017

crushin' on u, (a playlist) (a feeling)

beats for the heart. Listen on my 8tracks here! I'm not crushing on anyone at the moment, (or am i??) but I have this crushing feeling and it's not going away. It's like I'm crushing on air. On life. On life's potential. Maybe summer? I'm crushing on all of the things I'm going to do, the people I'm going to meet, "what is to come." Maybe I'm in love with the feeling I know I'll get when I finish my last exam. That's actually such a turn on. I'm a stressed mess and I would never recommend A-levels to anyone btw!!! 

One of the artists you'll see on this playlist is Biig Piig. She's an upcoming, quite underground artist that I saw through people on Instagram, and I really like her sound. So soothing, jive-y and mellow. I really like her aesthetic as well. Here's a couple of screenshots from her video "crush'n" - which basically inspired this feeling and playlist. 

(all creds to her, find video here

I'm going to a really cool event tomorrow so there'll be a blog post coming soon, and I definitely want to get into doing random photography projects as the weather gets more beautiful! In the midst of all of the horrible and uncertain stuff going on in the world, I feel like I'm still sticking to things on my '2017 vision board' - like:

I have stepped out of my comfort zone a lot this year, all as a result of me saying 'yes' I suppose. I guess in a way it has made me a more confident, easily adaptable person. I would call myself an extrovert, but it takes a lot of self-motivation to get to that stage. I'm actually pretty shy. My lack of confidence in certain situations is one of my insecurities - but it always vanishes once I've given something a go and realised that it wasn't half as bad as I expected. It feels good to over come something like that, and I think everyone should aspire to come out of themselves sometimes! Try new things. It helps you to breathe more easily once it's over. Because when the next thing is thrown at you, you walk in there thinking you've done it before and can therefore do it again. 

hope you like the playlist!! Let me know which one you like best! (kali uchis is always a classic. I think she's been on every playlist i've ever made on this blog lmao) 
~peace out~ and c u next time lovelies! Zoe xo 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

this diary belongs to a regulation hottie

hi everyone. I was feeling pissed off an hour ago so the bitterness is slowly fizzling out as I type this. Hopefully by the end I'll feel euphoric again. ANYWAYS!

Yesterday I turned the bittersweet age of 18. 

I don't know what I feel but it's not really excitement. It's more fear if I'm honest. I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that from now on I am legally an adult. I feel like shutting my eyes and hibernating until the world isn't shit anymore and I can easily navigate my way to some kind of purpose in life. Wow that's dramatic - I'm tired and mildly hungover and sick of rubbish human beings. My day was great though. I ate 'till my hearts content, drank 'till I was happy and walking wobbly and danced 'till I engrained the floor with the manic indents of my buffalo boots.

The day before my birthday I decided to write 18 mini ramblings/streams of consciousness/letters to my 18 year-old-self. The purpose they serve I have no idea. Maybe I'll look back with fondness in the future. Here they are.
(I started writing this diary entry at 22:38)

letter one:

Hey you!
Think fast!
I just hit you with LIFE.
Quickly, pick it up!
Grab it with both hands, run!

letter two:

You're currently a seventeen-year-old on the eve of your birthday. You're tired as hell (not like you've been doing much), and you're excitedly stressed about your birthday party. You're hoping your period won't come tomorrow. That would be peak. 

letter  three

Being  18 sucks  and I'm not even 18 yet. 
I don't want to  have to pay for dental treatment? Wtf!

letter four 

You've come such a long way. The person you are today is unimaginable
to your past self, and you dreamed A LOT back in the day.

letter five 

Dear 18-year-old Zoe,
This time tomorrow you will be DRUNK.
I hope you don't suffer a bad hangover. Fingers-crossed. (UPDATE: I DIDN'T)

letter six 

Do dreamers ever wake up? 
Wouldn't that defeat the object? (what a weird phrase that is!) anyway.
It would be sad if dreamers woke up sometimes, but I just realised how melancholy it would be spend your whole life dreaming. 
Don't dream too much in your "adult" years Zoe. Sometimes you gotta wake up. (or is that too 'realist' and not 'optimistic' enough?)

letter seven 

The twenty-second of April, nineteen-ninty-nine. Nine-twenty-four AM. 
Purity. Birth.  
Hello world!  What mess am I gonna make out of this?

letter eight

Fuck, think I'm pushing it here with this '18 letters' thing. 
My imagination ran out after the first three.

letter nine

QUIZ TIME.  "7" Is  this the:
a) number of people you have made out with 
b) your favourite number minus three
c) the age  you found yourself 
d) the minimum number of shots you intend to take tomorrow

letter ten

Dear 18-year-old Zoe,
Don't do something stupid. 
Stay away from foreseen regret.
I trust you. 

letter eleven 

To be honest, may the odds actually be ever in your favour. (I'm not even a hunger games fan but I just had a *hits blunt* moment)

letter twelve

Be proud of yourself. 
You've done a shit load of stuff during your 'childhood' and 'adolescence.'
Been to some amazing places. Seen things of divinity, felt things of sublimity. 
On a serious note, you are very lucky.

letter thirteen 

Remember that time you had too many weed brownies and the devil tried to rip your heart out of your knee caps? Me too. But you're okay now right? lmao

letter fourteen

Four more to go. Let's see.
Sleeping is one of the most beautiful things we do. We just lie down on these platforms when we're tired, close our  eyes and create funny/sad/disturbing and frightful images in our heads until we open our eyes again. How cute! Make sure you get enough sleep during your 18th year. You've survived your whole life without bags under your eyes. Let's not start now yeah?

letter fifteen

Shit, my diary is running out of space. Look back on this with fondness. 
These are the ins and outs. The '411s'. The borings and the randoms. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
Should you show this to your children? You'd probably have to have a talk with them first. 

letter sixteen

Was gonna get all serious then thought I better not. I'm tired and don't articulate well when I'm tired. I've been writing for twenty minutes. 

letter seventeen

Almost there. These are really just ramblings. 
Try not to ramble too much in your 18th year Zoe. Your life is at stake here.

letter eighteen

Fina-fucking-lly. I guess if I had to give you some words of wisdom, this would be it:
  1. Talk less, do more
  2. Stretch, close your eyes and breathe more
  3. Don't be afraid to cry (not that you ever are)
  4. Don't be afraid not to work when you know you're too tired 
  5. Never drink too much
  6. Be kind to yourself and confident about yourself. Be nice to others. 
  8. Care less
  9. Know when you need to relax and know when you need to WORK
  10. Get some sleep

so. I guess I have to just get on with it now? Ha! I don't feel grown up. I feel forced to grow and take responsibility, but my inner self is shyly slipping out of this adult skin, trying to get away. I hope everyone's doing well. Look at my musing for this month!! In this time we need to just push forward. Here's a lil mood board to show my recent moods/feelings. Kinda festive + funky, but something melancholy and introspective. I wonder if i've changed in a years time. here's me talking about being 17. Life is so weird. 

 Hope you enjoyed reading this! ~peace out~ and c u in the next post! (hopefully it won't be as long a wait as this one ://) Zoe xo
P.S the title of this post is taken from what's written over the front of my personal diary. obvs taken from Mean Girls. love that movie

Friday, 3 March 2017

, perpetually.

This post is long overdue. I've been so busy, life is a blur. 

First of all can we just appreciate the beauty of the first few sentences of Virginia Woolf's The Waves

"The sun had not yet risen. The sea was indistinguishable from the sky, except that the sea was slightly creased as if a cloth had wrinkles in it. Gradually as the sky whitened a dark line lay on the horizon dividing the sea from the sky and the grey cloth became barred with thick strokes moving, one after another, beneath the surface, following each other, pursuing each other, perpetually."

Isn't that such a beautiful opening to a novel? It came up in an English lesson recently and now it's next on my list to read (which is becoming borderline long.) I need to read more though. Can someone snatch some time out of the universe and hand it to me? That'd be great.

Anyways, early on in Feb, I went to this:

BLOOM is a short coming-of-age film centred around four teenage girls, and the exhibition is a collection of art pieces created by loads of female creatives around the world in response to the film. It was such a creative, blossoming and beautiful evening - amazing, funky and sensual art, great music and a zine stall from which I purchased STRIKE! magazine. These are photographs from the night! My camera wasn't that great so the photos either turned out too dark or too bright, but yeah - amazing!!!

I purchased issue 15 and  issue 17  of STRIKE! I've read most of the articles in issue 15 and I am gobsmacked. It is so incredibly informative and interesting reading about cultural and social theory in relation to racism, sexism, intersectional feminism - I feel so inspired and ready to revolt if I'm honest! One phrase that really stuck with me was "DECOLONISE YOUR MIND." Quite a radical thing to envision, but extremely strong in its message. What if we did, little by little, learn to unlearn? Acknowledge that our world is by design? What if we could all decolonise our minds and reconstruct, over time, global history? (it even sounds impossible.) But yeah, something to think about. I would 1000/10 recommend that you buy it!

ALSO I'm in love with Steve Lacy and I dunno what to do about it. :/ 
His new EP Steve Lacy's Demo is all I've been listening to and day by day my heart just continues to melt. :/ Listen to the full thing here. :/ "RYD" and "DARK RED" are my favourites. :/ :/ :/ heart = melted. 

Matt Martins, another member of The Internet, released his album recently as well, called The Drum Chord Theory and my fave so far is "Diamond in Da Ruff", produced by both him and *wink wink* Steve Lacy  (ignore me I'm a mess.) 
Check out the song here!

If you follow me on instagram, then you probably would have seen that I'm in the middle of creating a ZINE called sweet-thang, and it's an arts and literary zine for & by black women + femmes! The deadline for submitting to the first issue Power / Roots / Beginnings has just passed and it almost brings a tear to my eye how much support it has received!!! My email is overflowing with beauty and I'm scared - because it means that I have to put it together! I'm so frikin' excited though. It is going to be beautiful. Keep yer eyes peeled!!! 


I hope everyone is doing well. Look at my March musing - "DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A BOX!" Stay cool, keep grinning, ~peace out~ and c u in the next post! Zoe xo 

Saturday, 28 January 2017

eternal dénouement

I wrote a poem yesterday evening called 'the eternal dénouement'. I was inspired after reading Particulars by Rita Dove. It's such a beautiful poem! And it's part of a collection of poems I have called "Bittersweet, contemporary black women's poetry" by Karen McCarthy, and it's one of the favourite books I own. The pictures underneath the poem are photos I think portrayed the atmosphere and feelings quite well. (All found on Tumblr - if you know the artists, please say!) The pictures at the bottom are the original scanned pages of my journal. Sorry in advance for the shitty quality lol. 

the eternal dénouement (written by me)

sitting here with
mash and beans
is my aesthetic of
brown girl blues.
           Re-watching that old 
       cartoon in that same
      front room,
         as if to meld the past 
with the fluctuating present.

         old hues, post-past blues,
         I miss you, pretty baby;

existing in the midst of the timeless tick-tock,
your particles stuck to my brain,
and my soul
      reflecting your face in light of
      present-time fumes.
I have a sore throat, 
just like the others from
clouded over, this time frame is 
an image that updates old images of the 'before time.'

        old hues, post-past blues,
        I miss you, pretty baby;

transcending boundaries 
we can no longer
but touch with the organs deep inside
our medial temporal lobe,
reminding us of how changes in our world occur,
     haunting us 
     highlighting this eternal 

hope you liked this, and hope you're doing swell! happy saturday, 
~peace out~ and c u in the next post, Zoe xo

(omg omg omg, this is totally inaccurate because I've deleted loads of old posts, but this is, according to blogger, my 100th post. :'''''''''''''''''''') a moment!)

Thursday, 19 January 2017

bitterness hinders growth

*wipes dust off of this blog*

hello!! My first post of 2017! Yay??!! I hope everyone has had a peaceful rest and that 2017 is treating ya well. I don't know where these surges of nostalgia keep coming from, but I always have this desire to revisit the past. Is that even a good thing? But anyways, my first post of 2016 was quite strange. I was clearly feeling a weird and funny way, hence the title 'adrift in waters unknown'. But I can confirm that a whole entire year has made a difference and I no longer feel unsure in unknown territory. woop. 

In my previous post, I posted my vision board for 2017. One of the things I included in my vision was the phrase: 

This is something I want to work on throughout 2k17. Being 'bitter' comes in many forms for me: Being sarcastic, blunt, complaining about things that can easily be changed, being petty for no reason, holding unnecessary grudges, etc. 

Now don't get me wrong, if you're a human, then feelings and actions such as these are inevitable and can't be abstained from completely. Besides it's fun lol. Kidding. The thing about bitterness is that it's actually easier to dredge up; sometimes it takes guts to be gentle and kind. But it doesn't mean that small changes to your everyday behaviour can't make a difference. 

I mean, if you know me, then you will know that I can be sarcastic, I can complain a lot, and if I'm in a bad mood I can and will be blunt to someone. (really selling myself here innit.) But I'm just trying to be honest!! I feel like bitter feelings can cause a person to try and disguise and excuse the fact that they're being bitter; to make the bitter aftermath less, well, bitter. 

How can you change stuff like this? Smile more? Say yes to everything? Who knows? For me, the best way to win the battle with bitter emotions is to constantly imagine yourself in a situation and ask yourself whether you would want to be treated in that way. And to be able to take it when someone confronts you about your behaviour, because that can suck. But you gotta be able to take what you dish out, right?

I also feel like being petty makes me more stressed, stiff and hunched over. There are people I know that are so kind and friendly all the time, and they're just more poised and elegant and I can't help thinking that there is some kind of correlation. I don't know though - like I said, it's human to feel these things, we can't be perfect 24/7. It's important to listen to your emotions too. 

Lastly, growth. I want to grow and blossom and fill my life with sweetness, and too much bitterness stunts that. So here's to less bitterness and more growth. May 2017 the year we become, like Princess Nokia says, 'excellent bitches', not 'petty bitches'. Lol. The video she says this in is called 'How to be a Bitch 101' and it's bomb. And I'm so about reclaiming the word 'bitch' and using it as a form of empowerment, so give it a watch!

*    *    *

I'm thinking of maybe taking a couple of things from my vision board and dedicating posts to them to explain my ideas in more depth! Hope y'all enjoyed this, 
~peace out~, stay bitchin' (respectfully) and continue growing!  Zoe xo