Sunday, 23 April 2017

this diary belongs to a regulation hottie

hi everyone. I was feeling pissed off an hour ago so the bitterness is slowly fizzling out as I type this. Hopefully by the end I'll feel euphoric again. ANYWAYS!

Yesterday I turned the bittersweet age of 18. 

I don't know what I feel but it's not really excitement. It's more fear if I'm honest. I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that from now on I am legally an adult. I feel like shutting my eyes and hibernating until the world isn't shit anymore and I can easily navigate my way to some kind of purpose in life. Wow that's dramatic - I'm tired and mildly hungover and sick of rubbish human beings. My day was great though. I ate 'till my hearts content, drank 'till I was happy and walking wobbly and danced 'till I engrained the floor with the manic indents of my buffalo boots.

The day before my birthday I decided to write 18 mini ramblings/streams of consciousness/letters to my 18 year-old-self. The purpose they serve I have no idea. Maybe I'll look back with fondness in the future. Here they are.
(I started writing this diary entry at 22:38)

letter one:

Hey you!
Think fast!
I just hit you with LIFE.
Quickly, pick it up!
Grab it with both hands, run!

letter two:

You're currently a seventeen-year-old on the eve of your birthday. You're tired as hell (not like you've been doing much), and you're excitedly stressed about your birthday party. You're hoping your period won't come tomorrow. That would be peak. 

letter  three

Being  18 sucks  and I'm not even 18 yet. 
I don't want to  have to pay for dental treatment? Wtf!

letter four 

You've come such a long way. The person you are today is unimaginable
to your past self, and you dreamed A LOT back in the day.

letter five 

Dear 18-year-old Zoe,
This time tomorrow you will be DRUNK.
I hope you don't suffer a bad hangover. Fingers-crossed. (UPDATE: I DIDN'T)

letter six 

Do dreamers ever wake up? 
Wouldn't that defeat the object? (what a weird phrase that is!) anyway.
It would be sad if dreamers woke up sometimes, but I just realised how melancholy it would be spend your whole life dreaming. 
Don't dream too much in your "adult" years Zoe. Sometimes you gotta wake up. (or is that too 'realist' and not 'optimistic' enough?)

letter seven 

The twenty-second of April, nineteen-ninty-nine. Nine-twenty-four AM. 
Purity. Birth.  
Hello world!  What mess am I gonna make out of this?

letter eight

Fuck, think I'm pushing it here with this '18 letters' thing. 
My imagination ran out after the first three.

letter nine

QUIZ TIME.  "7" Is  this the:
a) number of people you have made out with 
b) your favourite number minus three
c) the age  you found yourself 
d) the minimum number of shots you intend to take tomorrow

letter ten

Dear 18-year-old Zoe,
Don't do something stupid. 
Stay away from foreseen regret.
I trust you. 

letter eleven 

To be honest, may the odds actually be ever in your favour. (I'm not even a hunger games fan but I just had a *hits blunt* moment)

letter twelve

Be proud of yourself. 
You've done a shit load of stuff during your 'childhood' and 'adolescence.'
Been to some amazing places. Seen things of divinity, felt things of sublimity. 
On a serious note, you are very lucky.

letter thirteen 

Remember that time you had too many weed brownies and the devil tried to rip your heart out of your knee caps? Me too. But you're okay now right? lmao

letter fourteen

Four more to go. Let's see.
Sleeping is one of the most beautiful things we do. We just lie down on these platforms when we're tired, close our  eyes and create funny/sad/disturbing and frightful images in our heads until we open our eyes again. How cute! Make sure you get enough sleep during your 18th year. You've survived your whole life without bags under your eyes. Let's not start now yeah?

letter fifteen

Shit, my diary is running out of space. Look back on this with fondness. 
These are the ins and outs. The '411s'. The borings and the randoms. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
Should you show this to your children? You'd probably have to have a talk with them first. 

letter sixteen

Was gonna get all serious then thought I better not. I'm tired and don't articulate well when I'm tired. I've been writing for twenty minutes. 

letter seventeen

Almost there. These are really just ramblings. 
Try not to ramble too much in your 18th year Zoe. Your life is at stake here.

letter eighteen

Fina-fucking-lly. I guess if I had to give you some words of wisdom, this would be it:
  1. Talk less, do more
  2. Stretch, close your eyes and breathe more
  3. Don't be afraid to cry (not that you ever are)
  4. Don't be afraid not to work when you know you're too tired 
  5. Never drink too much
  6. Be kind to yourself and confident about yourself. Be nice to others. 
  7. YOU CAN DO IT
  8. Care less
  9. Know when you need to relax and know when you need to WORK
  10. Get some sleep

so. I guess I have to just get on with it now? Ha! I don't feel grown up. I feel forced to grow and take responsibility, but my inner self is shyly slipping out of this adult skin, trying to get away. I hope everyone's doing well. Look at my musing for this month!! In this time we need to just push forward. Here's a lil mood board to show my recent moods/feelings. Kinda festive + funky, but something melancholy and introspective. I wonder if i've changed in a years time. here's me talking about being 17. Life is so weird. 






 Hope you enjoyed reading this! ~peace out~ and c u in the next post! (hopefully it won't be as long a wait as this one ://) Zoe xo
P.S the title of this post is taken from what's written over the front of my personal diary. obvs taken from Mean Girls. love that movie

8 comments:

  1. i completely get the fear of growing up. when i turned 20 (YA 20!!!) i was completely spooked, but i realized honestly, nothing changed or will change. you're still you, with more responsibility, but still you!! life goes on, we all live, breath...n die...lol, i just try to stay positive so that i won't turn into a cynical monster (which i definitely was before)..happy 18!!!! :-)

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    1. GAH im so scared :// i could not be 20 - i'm not ready for that number 2 to enter my age capacity, even though I'm lowkey excited because your 20s are meant to be the best years(???) It's so true though. I'm just going to make the most of it, try not to worry or stress too much. loool I'M in transition from being a cynical monster...about 45% left to go!! Thank you so much Josselyn!!! xoxox

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  2. hope you had a fabby bday, and got some cool thangs! It scares me how I'm beginning to hate birthdays because of the fear of growing up and getting old. You really got me on the dentist one, completely forgot that you have to pay when you turn 18!! I'm turning 18 in June, so I'm gonna book myself into the dentist and the opticians before then ahah! xox

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    1. Thanks Lexie!!! Ikr :///// haha omg yes do it. I have braces atm which I HATE but I don't have to pay because the treatment started before I turned 18. So weird how this one date just creates so many more barriers to life n shit. So annoying but i guess we just have to live with it! Thanks againnn xxx

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  3. happy birthday! i felt similar things when i turned 18 (january). i still do ha! i'm kind of scared/excited to grow up though. responsibilities suck but then i can't wait to take ownership of a place and call if my own home. i'm just trying to look forward and think about all the cool things i'll hopefully be doing once i get older. i'm glad you had a great day though! and remember, you can vote now! xoxo

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    1. Thank Melody!!! Yeah, so so true. And yess we're so lucky (ish) that this election has come. Theresa May chose the wrong year to call an election...
      Xxx

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  4. happy belated birthday zoe!!!! i really loved reading these letters and love all tips you gave yourself in number eighteen which i may have to apply to my own life as well! i definitley relate to that fear of growing up especially because im not actually sure how i would function doing adult things like paying taxes and its also such a drag the vast amount of things we have to pay for after we turn 18, i didnt even think about the dentists haha! great post xxx

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    1. Thanks Zaynab!!! Haha thank you - I'm glad you can relate to them. Yeah man, I just really can't be bothered :/ these times I think id rather be a restricted child rather than a stressed adult. But yeah! Just have to go with the flow I guess. Xxxxxx

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thanks for your comment, they never fail to make me smile + i appreciate them so much!